Do I really wanna know the answer to this?

I haven't been on blogger in forever, so it seems strange to just pop back on here after months. But...I've been BROODING all day and I need to pose this query.

"What is wrong with me?"

The reason I ask, is because I'm slowly coming to realize that I don't really have anyone that I'm really close to. Some people have lots of friends, some people have a few really close friends, I feel like I just have acquaintances, or former friends, or ex-friends--or whatever. I feel like people don't really feel that close to me. I don't get asked to be in people's wedding party, or asked to be their child's godparent, or even invited to gatherings and occasions. So I ask again--what is wrong with me? Am I pushing people away? Am I a bitch? What is it about me that repulses close friendships? See why I fear the answer...

I'm a washed-up celebrity, get me outta here!

REALITY SHOW HILARITY!!!! I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here is indicative of American intellect-level. It's D-List celebs in the jungle, playing "Fear Factor-type games for food. In the end, it's supposedly for charity, but really it's CPR for their fledgling careers.

So, Speidi, aka Spencer and Heidi Pratt are on and off and on the show. The best part is watching their religious transformation. You know, finding your spirituality is no joke, but it seems so insincere that you kind of have to laugh inside (then say some Hail Mary's inside right after...). Spencer's standing on a log yelling to Jesus, and asking for forgiveness and strength because he made a rude comment about Lauren. Ummm...the show clearly works for these celebs because I've never watched the Hills or the OC but here I am blogging about Spencer. So there you go.

San-freaking-Jaya of American Idol made a BROOM to sweep the floor of the jungle!!!!! I love Lou Diamond Philips asking for pennies to tweeze Sanjaya's eyebrows!

The best part of this show is Patti Blagojevich. So, being the ignorant person I am, I kind of didn't know who she was. I knew she was the wife of a politician that had been involved in scandal, but I wasn't clear on the details. So, I continued watching the show without a clue as to who she was. Then, she started alluding to the hardships that she faced at home, and how the jungle was a cake walk compared to her personal hell at home. So I googled her. OMG! Then I remembered who she was and who her husband was. And the whole show just became all the more intriguing to me. I want to see how she's going to possibly spin this thing besides her "losing my house, driving an old car" shtick.

I fell dumber by the second but I can't turn it off!

Real Housewives of Heeia

So, continuing on with the theme of bad television, I'm now hooked on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey". I'll admit that I am a fan of all the Housewives sagas, but I wasn't sure if this particular state was going to hold my interest. To be honest, they weren't, until...THE BOOK.

So basically, the housewife called Danielle gets totally ragged on by the other housewives, and they all talk a bunch of crap about how she's a husband-stealing whore. Then, they discover this book that talks about how she was arrested for kidnapping and drug charges and things of that nature. There's even a mug shot photo of her in the book, but her name is different. The book talks about how she changes her stripper name to "Danielle" and apparently it stuck.

So I, being a total sucker for reality show fodder, google the book--"Cop Without a Badge". It's selling for $189 USED on Amazon!!!! Then, I read the reader comments about the book, and it's all these comments to Danielle's ex (who the book is about or something) about how he's such a liar and how everything he talks about is untrue. They mention all these family names and how this uncle hates him, and how that cousin won't even speak to him etc. But the kicker...they mention that he has the WRONG DATE AND LOCATION of his own father's death! So clearly, the book is not exactly non-fiction.

Long story short, I spent the rest of the day googling these women and reading their Bravo TV blogs, which I've never done before (see previous post about my lack of blogging knowledge) and ridiculous comments from viewers like me. HILARIOUS SHIT!!! I mean, seriously. There's all this commenting about mob ties and how one house husband pays for everything in cash, and how's he getting all this money wink wink. AWESOME. I love it. So I guess I was a little hard on Cesar and the dogs. I mean, he DOES work magic on unruly Fido's, overly aggro Champ's, and ADHD Spot's everywhere. I mean, who can hate a guy that puts a dog on a treadmill?

I've decided that I want to be on a reality TV show. I SO could (I mean, if I was back to high school weight). But I have enough drama! And I'm evil, I talk a lot of shit, and I'm loud. I have all the makings of a great show. So write to Bravo everyone: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF HE'EIA!!!

Careful what you wish for!

So, I always used to bitch about how I hated teaching, and how I wished I could just sit at home, not having to work. Well, I've been at home for the last week and I want to tear my hair out.

Mind you, in my dreams, I was independently wealthy--not worrying about if I have enough personal leave to NOT take a cut in pay. Also, in my mind, staying home didn't literally mean staying at home in the same room with the same people for a week straight. Not that I don't heart my family. I don't know that ANYONE loves ANYONE that much.

So, I'm literally camped on Facebook and Myspace in between nursely duties. I'm getting my fill of crappy television. Maybe I should blog about all the crappy shows I'm being forced to watch. Waterboard, shwaterboard. Try watching marathon sessions of television car repair shows and BET sitcoms simultaneously. Meaning, flip to one show, watch them take apart someone's old car that doesn't run but they love it oh so much. During commercial, flip to show about single black father raising teenage daughter and all the calamity that occurs. Commercial--flip back to auto show and realize that you missed all the good parts because you were on black sitcom. Flip back to black sitcom and realize you missed sappy resolution to baby girl's latest drama.

Someone save me...we have just stopped on, WAIT FOR IT...THE DOG WHISPERER!!!!! For the love of brain cells, did he just say, "When good dogs go bad"?! This is too much.

I guess I'm not cut out for housewife-hood.

Relationship Test

You can learn A LOT about your relationship during stressful situations...
Take me for example. Saturday, the father of my child was injured in a football game. Luckily for me, I was late to the game, and missed the actual "injury-causing" hit. I say "luckily" because I am NO GOOD with medical emergencies. They freak me out. And blood? Forget it. So, I was running late as usual, and as I pulled into Waimanalo Beach Park, I got a call that he had been injured. Turned out to be: a fractured and dislocated ankle bone, and some kind of knee injury which has yet to be assessed.

After the whole emergency room routine, we brought him home and set him up in the living room. We have a million stairs at our house and there is no good place for someone with a leg injury. So, needless to say, days 1 and 2 were painful and spent bed-ridden.

We're going on 5 days now, and I am feeling truly "tested". I mean, I'm trying to show as much aloha as I can muster, but this whole nursing gig is just NOT FOR ME. I can't handle. First of all, I can't stand watching someone I love in so much pain. Moreover, when I grab someone's leg to move it, it CREEPS ME OUT to feel a freaking bone MOVING AROUND!!!! But heebie jeebies aside, I'm just not cut out to serve (and I mean serious service that I won't go into detail about for my boyfriend's privacy/pride's sake) ALL DAY LONG. Call me selfish, but I need some "me" time. And seriously, if I have to watch Cash Cab, Overhaulin', Dog the Bounty Hunter, or American Choppers for ONE MORE SECOND, I am going to gouge my eyes out.

Am I a total bitch? Maybe I don't want to know the answer to that...

I used to...

I used to be a nerd and band geek.
I used to be a cheerleader.
I used to be skinny.
I used to paddle for Kaiheo/Windward Kai/Kai Oni Canoe Clubs.
I used to play 'ukulele, write songs, and sing in public. (in a band! we played at "bedroq", and in front of hundreds at Puget Sound lu'au. imagine that!)
I used to think that other girls didn't make good friends.
I used to be shy, then I was outgoing, and now I'm back to shy--sort of.
I used to hook up with other people's boyfriends, just because I could.
I used to think I was the $#!+...then I realized it was only in my mind, and I was actually just a nerd and band geek.
I used to screw people over out of selfishness, then I got a taste of my own medicine.
I used to put up with a lot of CRAP from people that were supposed to love me.
I used to GIVE a lot of crap to people that I was supposed to love.
I used to believe that marrying my high school sweetheart would somehow make the relationship worth more--then I learned that length of time and quality of time were totally different.
I used to dance hula and tahitian.
I used to want blonde hair and light-colored eyes. (I still want the light eyes, but now I have contacts for that.)

First attempt at blogging

While I'm not that old, I'm not THAT young either, and this whole concept of "blogging" is fairly new to me. I knew of blogs on myspace, and happened across other people's blogs when "googling" certain travel topics, but I only recently learned of the true potential that blogs offer.

First of all, it gives me an opportunity to just write. Since leaving college, writing has become less and less a part of my life. Being that I majored in creative writing, I think it behooves me to keep up the practice, in whatever form.

Secondly, as the title implies, it will help me get the millions of thoughts racing through my head out of there. Being a working mom and teacher in a charter school, combined with knowing people that are generally surrounded by craziness, has left me with a lot to think about on a daily basis and no real way to release. So we'll see how it goes.

Finally, right now it will relieve the total and utter cabin fever I am experiencing as a "make-shift nurse". [more on this later]...

So, here we go!